My special conversation with Lyle Lovett … or not
Before I tell you about Robot Lyle, I want to tell you about the bot’s namesake.
That would be singer/songwriter Lyle Lovett, the soft-spoken country-swing-jazz-genre-bending Texan with big hair, tailored suits and a cellist. My wife and I adore Lyle Lovett.
There is no twang here, only a sweet Texas sensibility and a band packed with brass, strings, steel guitar, grand piano and gospel singers. Few artists can elicit as much laughter, tenderness and comic – and not-so-comic – darkness as Lyle. The songs “North Dakota” and “She’s Already Made Up Her Mind” give me chills, and “Simple Song” just melts me.
One of the most empowering verses in music comes from the first Lyle song I ever heard, “If I Had a Boat”: “The mystery masked man was smart, He got himself a Tonto, ‘cause Tonto did the dirty work for free. But Tonto he was smarter, and one day said, ‘Kemosabe, kiss my ass, I bought a boat, I’m going out to sea.’”
There’s also a honky-tonk weeper with a line that framed my high school dating life: “She’s leaving me because she really wants to.”
I could go on. I am a fanboy. Always will be.
So imagine my surprise when Lyle responded to a question I asked him on Facebook recently. We had just seen him perform in Orlando, and my brother-in-law – an audiophile with a vast knowledge of studio equipment – wondered about the old microphone Lyle used for acoustic songs.
I asked Lyle about the mic in a private message on Facebook.
“Your brother-in-law has a good ear,” Lyle responded within the day. He proceeded to tell me what kind of mic it was and why he used it for certain songs. We went back and forth for a bit, and I even asked him why his longtime cellist did not perform at the Orlando show.
Cellist John Hagen was busy with another project, Lyle wrote, noting – correctly – how long John had played with him and how he, too, was disappointed John was not on this tour.
I was over the moon. I was corresponding with my favorite musician and getting real answers to real questions. Then Lyle started asking me questions: How long have I been a fan? Where am I from? His responses included common Lyle phrases, particularly, “Well, isn’t that something.”
Then “Lyle” – yes, the quote marks are foreshadowing – asked me what social media platforms I use. Odd. “He” then suggested some social platform I had never heard about, one he said most of his fans use. He told me, not asked me, to download it.
My fraud radar was tingling, and by the time “Lyle” insisted, “Have you downloaded it yet? Tell me when you downloaded it,” I knew I was corresponding with an artificial intelligence bot posing as Lyle.
Yes, it is a thing. And, yes, it is uncanny.
Perhaps you have run into these bots in your Internet scrolling, too. They pose as people and use algorithms and years of Internet data to answer questions accurately. When I asked about the microphone, Lyle Bot – in milliseconds – pulled from interviews and archives and likely concert tech specs to find the answer and say it as Lyle would say it.
Answers on John Hagen? An easy Internet scan for Lyle Bot.
I was a little heartbroken but more embarrassed. I preach cyber-safety with my family, identifying the latest scams and priding myself on catching fraud. But it is very hard in the days of AI because the scammers are machines using and learning every particle on the Internet to drain your bank account.
I caught on to Lyle Bot before he convinced me to cough up personal information. At least I assume that is what would have happened because, well, that is what happened when “James Smith” was helping me recently while I was paying a bill online.
I was paying a bill from a national medical lab I have used many times before. But the payment did not go through, and a screen popped up that said there was an issue with my account and I needed to call this toll-free number right away.
I did not know what hit me.
So, dear readers, be careful out there. We are in the best of times and the worst of times, I sincerely love shouting “How old is Barry Manilow?” into the air, and a machine will shout the answer to me. But those smart machines also are also vessels for very bad people.
If your favorite singer – or your favorite singer’s evil friend from the medical lab – asks about your debit cards, feel free to say, “Kiss my ass, I bought a boat, I’m going out to sea.”
